Monday, April 7, 2014

Changes, I've Never Been Good with Change...

So here's the thing with living at home as a twenty something:

I love being at home with my family and I appreciate all the things my parents do for me. Seriously they both work so hard and I know that I've lived a blessed life. I don't even mind the embarrassment of being caught eating cookies out of the freezer at 1:30 in the morning.

I feel an anxiousness to move on with my life. I will be 26 in  a few weeks and feel the weightiness of not having my life together. Oh you want a checklist?

"real" job
boyfriend
savings
not having an emotional crisis over who gets the remote

Nope on all fronts.

What I have done with my time:

make exceptionally specific playlists
daydream about the book I want to write
avoid meaningful relationships

All joking aside I know when I do leave I will be moving from Dallas. As weird as this place is, Texas has been my home for many, many years. I can't imagine not being close to my family. Or the warm nights and balmy mornings. Roadtrips and the way the sun sets over the flatlands. Mexican food with my friends and rolling down the windows at night and looking up at the sky and knowing my place in the world.

I am dramatic and a romanticist by nature. I know change is essential for growth and I appreciate what change can bring (so many unexpected adventures, Frodo). But that doesn't make change easy. I am scared of applying for jobs because I fear rejection and I also fear an answer. I'm afraid of what yes might bring as much as I'm afraid of what no brings.

I can't live here anymore but leaving here is leaving all the memories behind. I know I will visit but... growing up... ugh its just final and it sucks. I think if one facet of my life were nailed down the transition into adulthood would be easier, more graceful. But from where I stand, I think I'm just going to keep stumbling into it until by accident I find myself with a career and maybe a car. Or a dog.

The weirdest thing is not knowing where I'll be in a month from now... two months... next year. Will I be in the US? Will I still be here? The future. Ever changing.
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