Tuesday, April 4, 2017

In Need of Constant Reassurance

Hello friends. A lot has changed over this year. For starters, I'm married now! Let's be honest, that's the biggest change, and not much else has, other than the fact that I work in retail now and brewing in the back of my mind has been a desire to get back to writing, to photographing, to exploring and documenting my life in a fun way. 

Something that has been on my mind lately is the various addictions I have, and the one I've been loathing the most-- my need for affirmation from other people.

I've been reading books lately, trying to find guidance in my life, a semblance of normalcy as my schedule and life feels like it ebbs and flows dramatically than your average person. Books about finding your passion, finding a career that's right for you, and self help books about how to love yourself, wholly, completely. 

Slowly I've begun noticing I do this really annoying thing where I seek validation from people around me for almost everything. In college, I would often call my friend up and ask her what I should have for dinner that night. Sometimes I would be standing in the grocery store holding two soups and I'd send a text asking a friend, "should I get the light vegetarian or splurge for the hearty minestrone?" I stand in fitting rooms and ask my mom if she likes what I'm wearing, and if she doesn't, I never buy it. 

Getting advice is important, especially when it's serious advice about the future, starting a family, or what kind of dog you should adopt from a shelter. But my constant need for validation and support is unhealthy. 

So I've decided to change this habit of mine. I have started buying things that make me excited, even if they push me out of my comfort zone. I am trying to ignore the voice in my mind that says, "oh I don't want to disappoint x by doing this" or "this person always said I looked ugly when I wear this color." Who really cares, I mean who really cares. I know people have cruel thoughts about me and their own opinions but that is their weakness, not mine. 

So I choose to not let the fear of other people's thought and opinions dictate my life. 


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