I'm Packin' My Bags (King Curtis Voice)

No pretty pictures for this post, guys! Sorry about that, it's just a quick little jot about the goings on in my life lately so I can look back and remember exactly how I felt before going to Seoul (hint--- SCARED and SAD!)

I've said pretty much all my goodbyes. Sometimes I feel like I'm making this more dramatic on myself than I need to. But I take these kinds of things very seriously and always view a major life change as some sort of death and almost mourn it. I'm weird like that. But in a way, a part of my life is dying, I will never be this age with my family set up in this way, in this position in my life ever again. I've had a lot of fun and I will miss being this Julia. Because we all change as we get older, and I'll never have this mind set with these thoughts and goals again. So that's a little sad. And of course there are so many other things running through my mind, fears about the job, if I'll be a good teacher, how I'll make friends, getting used to the city, etc.

But at the moment, I am at peace. Actually, so far waking up has been the saddest part of the day for me. I've lived in this home almost my entire life. I know this bed and this room so well, they are a part of me. I'm used to the way the light filters in, the sound of the birds that live in our big tree, the feeling of my pillow. It is very comforting. Waking the first day up after traveling, especially after a long travel overseas, is very disconcerting. There have been many times I've woken up and forgotten where I am and I panic for several seconds. Sometimes I wake up and I think I'm home and I'll remember I'm somewhere else.

So yes, tomorrow is my last day here in Dallas. I've had so much fun the past few weeks, hanging out with friends and family. My Goodbye Texas Food Tour 2014 has left me with food hangovers on more than one occasion and I fear the scale at this point. So a large part of me is excited to leave (but saying that feels like a betrayal) simply because I'll feed myself better. Today I had lunch at Joe's with my dad, Fogo de Chao for dinner... yesterday we had Babe's Chicken for dinner... I have had chipotle like every day for two months hoping to ween myself off of it (I FAILED). So yeah, I'm feeling pretty sick as of late.

I leave Thursday morning everyone! And I arrive with literally like 5 suitcases Friday night. As soon as I can get internet, I'll update you again. I would appreciate everyone's thoughts, prayers, well wishes. See you in Seoul!

The Countdown Begins... Homesickness Sets In Prematurely

So I'm listening to overly bubbly music at night lately. Why? Because if I listen to the few downloads I've done recently (Runaway by Kanye West, Run from Me by Timber Timbre, etc.) I really begin to spiral into a bad place. Seriously people underestimate how much music can effect your mood. It's insane. Do not give into the sadness by listening to sad music! It is a danger zone! 

The past few days have been really hard as I've been thinking about next week. Really what gets me really sad is when I imagine saying goodbye at the airport. The future I have is very unsure, I don't know what the school and my co-workers and boss will be like. I don't know how I'll find the bus, if I'll get off at the right stop, how I'll communicate with everyone, etc. I'm leaving right before holidays and that makes it extra emotional. I'm also leaving right after our dog died so I've been kind of anxious and sad. My arm is also giving me a lot of grief and I have to figure out what's wrong with it before I go, so I'm nervous and hope that my scans come back normal and hopefully this injury will go away soon. 

So on occasion I look up articles on homesickness. This has been a topic I've been interested in for a long time, actually, because I've noticed there are so many reprieves and various levels of homesickness while away from home. 

STAGES

1. So the first thing that can loosen that kind of tight feeling that develops in your chest and heart is finding anything that reminds you of something from your home country. This could be a mcdonalds, a cafe with a turkey sandwich, finding peanut butter in the grocery store, finding a bookstore with books in your native language, etc. I always find that helps at first. It's like, "ok, ok, I'm not so far away that these things aren't accessible. I'll be ok."

2. Finding people that speak your language. There would be times in Paris or Vienna when I would hear someone pass by with an American accent and I would do a double take and actually chase after them to talk to them because I'd be so lonely for Americans. That would be an even better relief than a burger.

3. Making friends and making foods from home. Getting together with a group of new friends and doing things like making brownies and watching tv shows from home really starts to make you feel good. If you don't look out the window it's almost like you're back home, so for a while you can laugh freely and feel good.

4. Being back in the United States, but not your home state. This is pretty satisfying because you can finally talk to baristas and people in stores without any language barriers! It feels so good. But it's not home so you don't feel totally whole.

5. Being back in your state or city but not being in your neighborhood. This is like 98% of homesickness is gone. It's like an almost satisfied feeling because you know the restaurants in the area, you see all the places you used to hang out and stuff and it's like, "oh yeah, I got this."

6. The end of homesickness? Is there one? IMHO the closest I can get is lying in between my parents on their bed. Or just being in my childhood home. 

There are problems with this though. What happens when you've traveled for so long that being home feels good, but you miss where you came from? What happens when you've spent your life traveling and you can't really identify a "home" anymore because so many places are home to you? What happens when your parents move from your childhood home or out of state? What happens if you get married and settle in a foreign place? Basically life is really hard. I feel like I will live with some vague feeling of homesickness my whole life and that's the truth. Because I'm always missing some place all the time. Today I miss Paris. And yesterday I missed Norway. And the day before that I missed Austin. And before that, Brooklyn. 

I was reading this article and it really struck a chord with me. Because lots of people associate homesickness with kids moving out of home for college, but I think lots of adults suffer with it. I don't think it makes you weak. I just think I love my family a lot, I know I'll miss them a lot. I also have kind intense anxiety at times and worry someone will get sick or die while I'm away. And I really just don't know if I could handle that. The longer you stay somewhere the harder it is to leave. So this will be a really hard move. Here are some good comments from the article. What's your best remedy for homesickness? 

36 Hours in Brooklyn

So this week I've been visiting my younger sister Jordan in Washington, D.C. I still have no idea when I leave for Seoul (somehow....) but I know it will  be in just a few short weeks so I'm trying to visit all the people I can before I leave. Yes I know it's probably only a year but this move feels serious and I feel a big change coming so for some reason, I feel like I won't see some of these places for a while. 

The morning after we got there it was raining a ton. It was awesome though! I love the rain and the weather in Brooklyn this past weekend truly felt like fall. We bundled up (all I had was birkenstocks though so I had to make an emergency shoe buy) as best we could and headed to Five Leaves for brunch. That place can do no wrong! All the food was delicious. The atmosphere is cozy and let's be real, it's brunch in Brooklyn, so life was really good that morning.  

 I accosted this waitress about this shirt which is a quote from one of my favorite youtube videos. It was from her failed clothing line. If only I had known about it earlier, I would have purchased this shirt! RIP, her independent clothing line.

 Ricotta pancakes, BALT sandwich, & the big brekkie, respectively. Did you know Heath Ledger created this restaurant? He died before he could see it's birth. How sad is that? But good job, Heath! The place is great! 

 While waiting for brunch we made a pit stop at Peter Pan Bakery in Greenpoint. The red velvet doughnut there is so good! The inside is excellent and very much old New York feeling. The women who work there wear what looks like a 1983 uniform in teal and pink colors, and the people who are eating at the bar have the aura of being regular customers. Also, look how cute my sisters are. What will I do without them (reasonably) near me? :( 

 So this was the skyline of Manhattan that morning. It was awesome.

 After the harbor visit we did some shopping and stopped by Toby's Estate (or, as I remembered the title being, Jacob's Cavern). Great drinks! Great interior! Love this place and will definitely be back again. 

 After this we did some more shopping, got our nails done, and saw the scary movie Anabelle which was pretty horrible all around. 

 After the movie got out we walked a long way for some garlic knots before getting some take out and retiring to Mary's apartment for some skype and k-dramas. 

 We also passed the point of an actual alien abduction. I mean what is this? What's happening here? The drink and the snickers bar package? And a set of shoes? This was the real mystery of the evening.

Then I got really sad as I started thinking about the future and leaving everyone and tbh guys it was really sad. 

 The next day we rushed over to the bus because we were late and I had to hurry and get on but then I was so sad and I lost my sandals on the bus as I ran out to say bye to Mary one more time. Let's be real this was a true movie/ tv moment because I was crying so hard in my socks on the sidewalk of New York as the Bolt Bus people were (I'm sure) confused/ surprised/ annoyed with this sudden onslaught of emotion. But guys I'm really bad at saying goodbye?

Logically I know I don't live near my siblings. I know if I were getting a job in the United States I still wouldn't see them that often. But there is something about the distance of this move, the strong feelings of fear and the unknown I have associated with it, that makes it more difficult. There were a lot of things I was sad about and crying to Mary about, but I think the bulk of it was my fear for her and her future and happiness, my fear of the unknown (when will I see her again? will I be ok? selfish thoughts), and sadness because of a parting. She and I are both going through strange and difficult life transitions. My fear for my future is also linked with my fear for her future. Will we be ok? Will we get through this? Anyway, I walked back onto the bus with a blotchy face and a couple of little "aww" remarks and took the eternal bus ride with Jordan back to DC where we drowned our sorrows in Shake Shake and Rich Kids of Beverly Hills. 

Dominos in Korea

As I begin trying to pump myself up for this insane move that I am actually going through with in real life, I keep researching different aspects of Korean culture so as to lessen the culture shock. I usually find this works quite well, so much so that sometimes people are confused about why I know so much. I'm just a researcher at heart, what can I say, facts are interesting.

Moving on, I found the Dominos Pizza Korea website and let me just say, finding a plain cheese pizza is 1) impossible 2) what they have listed as cheese somehow includes chicken and barbecue sauce 3) why are they always lying about what is in their food (I ordered veggie gimpap and it had crab in it?) 4) why is everything so supreme?

Here are some of the toppings you can choose from. I don't know what angel snow cheese is and what are double crust bloomings? Maybe I just won't have dominos for a year, then -.-

Though you can order online and that's always a plus.

Bonus: when you have their website open on your computer, this is what the tab reads

Quick Trip to Austin & College Station

Seeing as I only have one month left until I leave (which btw is rapidly closing in, I don't know if you know this or not but holy cow I leave in about 30 days!) I've been visiting friends to say goodbyes. My friend Antoinette was doing part of her medical residency in Austin so I visited her and her friend Heather there for a day before we visited our other friend Caroline in College Station for a day.

I need a higher quality camera people 

Some day my eyes will be less squinty. Also, not sure why it looks like I photoshopped these because I definitely did not.

At our brunch place, Franks. Very good! Recommend if you're in Austin.

 Got to go on a morning walk with Anto in the neighborhood she stayed in while Heather went running as she trains for the Chicago Marathon (go Heather!) Austin is prettier than Dallas, I won't even argue that. I also find the architecture to be very exciting. Overall I really loved my time in Austin, I like the city even though I feel like I never get to explore it properly. The food was good, the nightlife is alive there (too alive really), lots to do and see.

Getting to understand those Japanese photo apps as much as possible before my trip

College Station was fun. I went to my first (and let's be real) and only tailgate. It was... OK but mostly just people drinking beer around a picnic table. Not really my scene! Probably would be more exciting if I liked or went to A&M, but as is, it was a good experience. Antoinette, Heather, and I burned out pretty fast and got bored with it all, so we ate tacos and burritos at a local place and then headed back to Caroline's apartment (after a HORRIFIC taxi ride) where we watched Hocus Pocus and wrote an angry e-mail to the taxi company. Really, we had to take a cab because we walked all the way to the tailgate and didn't want to walk the couple miles home but charging 20-40 dollars to go 1 or 2 miles is INSANE. 

Next day drove back to Austin to drop people off and went home to visit with Margaret for her last couple of days in Texas. Now she and her dog Roschti are gone and it all makes me very sad. 

Avoidance

I have truly been trying to avoid the countdown which started as good fun and has become a countdown to an anxiety attack.

Here's something I now know about myself: I feed off of whatever emotions I decide to create for myself and this is also heavily related to the music I decide to surround myself with. For example: the other day an innocent journal entry unfurled into a tear-filled declaration of fear and anxiety about my future. It didn't help that I was listening to a playlist called "the end" which I listened to when college was over. Oh gosh.

Anyway, in an attempt to trick myself into being happy, I'm trying to remind myself why I'm making this move (I need to be independent/ grow up, I need a new adventure in life, I want to challenge myself, I want to see if I could be a good teacher, I want to make international/ expat friends, I need to arrange my health and lifestyle, etc.) I know I'll miss Antoinette's bachelorette and bridal showers and that's sad. There are things I'm missing out on. But I have to remind myself... it's just a year. It's just a year. And maybe I'll love it so much it will become 2 years. Who knows? But for now, it's just a year.

So lately, Margaret (my sister) is in town for a few weeks before she goes back to Paris. She's super into the show "Mr. Selfridge," which is great except Jeremy Piven's really stale acting. Me and my mom and Margaret have been watching that, ordering pizza in the day, running errands, and laughing really hard. (See my twitter account for my dad's insane quotes lately). We've also been shopping, going to church activities, having dinner with our adorable neighbors, and just generally hanging out. Oh and my mom plays solitaire. A LOT.

In my free time I've been ringing up my credit card bill at an alarming rate and stressing about not speaking Korean. Also I've been obsessing over the sky here and my sister's dog.

This is blurry because my mom slapped my phone out of my hands.

Ignore the dirty windshield. What a sky!

Ah I love Dallas. I mean I hate it... but I love it so much.

Horcrux

So one of the best things about tumblr (and there are a lot of great and a lot of terrible things) are the excellent quotes I come upon an any given day. Sometimes I have to check the source because you never know, but here is one I'm just really in love with and it describes a lot of the feelings I have with travel and change.

You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.”

—	Azar Nafisi

This is something I think about a lot and I've written several journal entries about it.

So, you may know I went to Norway in January. I visited a secluded island in the arctic circle called Andenes. It was a beautiful island full of fjords and low mountains, and home to some truly wonderful people. My days there kind of blended together because for a while I didn't even see the sun, there were only a few hours of hazy light, like a constant sunrise and sunset on opposite sides of the sky, and then a blanket of darkness, stars, and sometimes the aurora borealis would wander across the sky. It was a truly beautiful place and a very magical feeling settles over Norway in the winter.

When I had to leave I was on the bus in the very early morning. As we made the two hour long trek to the local airport, I looked over the island, watched the sun slowly rise and cast this amazing gold glow over the frozen water below which was nestled between two small mountains covered in dark green trees. I remember closing my eyes and feeling so conflicted because in my heart I was excited to go to Paris and stay with my sister for several weeks, to be among the exciting bustle of the city, to make friends and lounge for hours in cafes. I was very excited to do this. But a part of me was attached to the land I was leaving.

I am very lucky, very blessed and very lucky, to have traveled throughout so much of the world over and over again, to make friends, get to know the locals, and visit secluded areas people only dream of visiting. I do not take my upbringing for granted. It has, however, created this kind of horcrux like splitting of my soul. A part of me will always miss and love Dallas, crave the high school comfort and friendship I have here. I will always want to be, simultaneously, in Hawaii at the beach, in Paris with friends, in Vienna on an autumn day, in Munster as a 17 year old riding bikes with a new friend, in London in 1997 buying all the Spice Girls' paraphernalia I could find, and on and on. There are an infinite number of little moments and times I miss being alive for various cozy, safe feelings or new and growing feelings.

I have lived at home for two years now. This was not planned at all, in fact. I thought I would move out after half a year. But as happens to so many people, my degree took longer to finish than I had anticipated. And the decision for work was not as easy as I thought it would be. So I settled into a familiar, childish routine by living at home, driving around and running errands for my mom, and socializing with friends when I could. Looking back on it now, as I prepare for a new adventure, there is a certain taste to this time at home. Not quite as comfortable and safe feeling as being a student and studying and living here, but still secure. I've allowed my mind and my heart to be blank and recover from several years of pretty traumatic social adventures throughout college.

I know that I am on the verge of becoming a new me, which has happened many times before and will of course happen again. I don't know how Seoul will change me or what memories I will forge. But I know I'll kick myself for rushing out of home and not lapping up every moment I can with my family.

So this is my homework. Rather than spend all my time buying Korean food and analyzing Korean culture, I will hold off until I arrive. For now, I will enjoy the last month or so of who I am at this moment, I will try to make all decisions with a firm and wonderful purpose. I will connect with people and bake and laugh until I cry so I can really look back on this time fondly.