I'm Packin' My Bags (King Curtis Voice)

No pretty pictures for this post, guys! Sorry about that, it's just a quick little jot about the goings on in my life lately so I can look back and remember exactly how I felt before going to Seoul (hint--- SCARED and SAD!)

I've said pretty much all my goodbyes. Sometimes I feel like I'm making this more dramatic on myself than I need to. But I take these kinds of things very seriously and always view a major life change as some sort of death and almost mourn it. I'm weird like that. But in a way, a part of my life is dying, I will never be this age with my family set up in this way, in this position in my life ever again. I've had a lot of fun and I will miss being this Julia. Because we all change as we get older, and I'll never have this mind set with these thoughts and goals again. So that's a little sad. And of course there are so many other things running through my mind, fears about the job, if I'll be a good teacher, how I'll make friends, getting used to the city, etc.

But at the moment, I am at peace. Actually, so far waking up has been the saddest part of the day for me. I've lived in this home almost my entire life. I know this bed and this room so well, they are a part of me. I'm used to the way the light filters in, the sound of the birds that live in our big tree, the feeling of my pillow. It is very comforting. Waking the first day up after traveling, especially after a long travel overseas, is very disconcerting. There have been many times I've woken up and forgotten where I am and I panic for several seconds. Sometimes I wake up and I think I'm home and I'll remember I'm somewhere else.

So yes, tomorrow is my last day here in Dallas. I've had so much fun the past few weeks, hanging out with friends and family. My Goodbye Texas Food Tour 2014 has left me with food hangovers on more than one occasion and I fear the scale at this point. So a large part of me is excited to leave (but saying that feels like a betrayal) simply because I'll feed myself better. Today I had lunch at Joe's with my dad, Fogo de Chao for dinner... yesterday we had Babe's Chicken for dinner... I have had chipotle like every day for two months hoping to ween myself off of it (I FAILED). So yeah, I'm feeling pretty sick as of late.

I leave Thursday morning everyone! And I arrive with literally like 5 suitcases Friday night. As soon as I can get internet, I'll update you again. I would appreciate everyone's thoughts, prayers, well wishes. See you in Seoul!

The Countdown Begins... Homesickness Sets In Prematurely

So I'm listening to overly bubbly music at night lately. Why? Because if I listen to the few downloads I've done recently (Runaway by Kanye West, Run from Me by Timber Timbre, etc.) I really begin to spiral into a bad place. Seriously people underestimate how much music can effect your mood. It's insane. Do not give into the sadness by listening to sad music! It is a danger zone! 

The past few days have been really hard as I've been thinking about next week. Really what gets me really sad is when I imagine saying goodbye at the airport. The future I have is very unsure, I don't know what the school and my co-workers and boss will be like. I don't know how I'll find the bus, if I'll get off at the right stop, how I'll communicate with everyone, etc. I'm leaving right before holidays and that makes it extra emotional. I'm also leaving right after our dog died so I've been kind of anxious and sad. My arm is also giving me a lot of grief and I have to figure out what's wrong with it before I go, so I'm nervous and hope that my scans come back normal and hopefully this injury will go away soon. 

So on occasion I look up articles on homesickness. This has been a topic I've been interested in for a long time, actually, because I've noticed there are so many reprieves and various levels of homesickness while away from home. 

STAGES

1. So the first thing that can loosen that kind of tight feeling that develops in your chest and heart is finding anything that reminds you of something from your home country. This could be a mcdonalds, a cafe with a turkey sandwich, finding peanut butter in the grocery store, finding a bookstore with books in your native language, etc. I always find that helps at first. It's like, "ok, ok, I'm not so far away that these things aren't accessible. I'll be ok."

2. Finding people that speak your language. There would be times in Paris or Vienna when I would hear someone pass by with an American accent and I would do a double take and actually chase after them to talk to them because I'd be so lonely for Americans. That would be an even better relief than a burger.

3. Making friends and making foods from home. Getting together with a group of new friends and doing things like making brownies and watching tv shows from home really starts to make you feel good. If you don't look out the window it's almost like you're back home, so for a while you can laugh freely and feel good.

4. Being back in the United States, but not your home state. This is pretty satisfying because you can finally talk to baristas and people in stores without any language barriers! It feels so good. But it's not home so you don't feel totally whole.

5. Being back in your state or city but not being in your neighborhood. This is like 98% of homesickness is gone. It's like an almost satisfied feeling because you know the restaurants in the area, you see all the places you used to hang out and stuff and it's like, "oh yeah, I got this."

6. The end of homesickness? Is there one? IMHO the closest I can get is lying in between my parents on their bed. Or just being in my childhood home. 

There are problems with this though. What happens when you've traveled for so long that being home feels good, but you miss where you came from? What happens when you've spent your life traveling and you can't really identify a "home" anymore because so many places are home to you? What happens when your parents move from your childhood home or out of state? What happens if you get married and settle in a foreign place? Basically life is really hard. I feel like I will live with some vague feeling of homesickness my whole life and that's the truth. Because I'm always missing some place all the time. Today I miss Paris. And yesterday I missed Norway. And the day before that I missed Austin. And before that, Brooklyn. 

I was reading this article and it really struck a chord with me. Because lots of people associate homesickness with kids moving out of home for college, but I think lots of adults suffer with it. I don't think it makes you weak. I just think I love my family a lot, I know I'll miss them a lot. I also have kind intense anxiety at times and worry someone will get sick or die while I'm away. And I really just don't know if I could handle that. The longer you stay somewhere the harder it is to leave. So this will be a really hard move. Here are some good comments from the article. What's your best remedy for homesickness? 

36 Hours in Brooklyn

So this week I've been visiting my younger sister Jordan in Washington, D.C. I still have no idea when I leave for Seoul (somehow....) but I know it will  be in just a few short weeks so I'm trying to visit all the people I can before I leave. Yes I know it's probably only a year but this move feels serious and I feel a big change coming so for some reason, I feel like I won't see some of these places for a while. 

The morning after we got there it was raining a ton. It was awesome though! I love the rain and the weather in Brooklyn this past weekend truly felt like fall. We bundled up (all I had was birkenstocks though so I had to make an emergency shoe buy) as best we could and headed to Five Leaves for brunch. That place can do no wrong! All the food was delicious. The atmosphere is cozy and let's be real, it's brunch in Brooklyn, so life was really good that morning.  

 I accosted this waitress about this shirt which is a quote from one of my favorite youtube videos. It was from her failed clothing line. If only I had known about it earlier, I would have purchased this shirt! RIP, her independent clothing line.

 Ricotta pancakes, BALT sandwich, & the big brekkie, respectively. Did you know Heath Ledger created this restaurant? He died before he could see it's birth. How sad is that? But good job, Heath! The place is great! 

 While waiting for brunch we made a pit stop at Peter Pan Bakery in Greenpoint. The red velvet doughnut there is so good! The inside is excellent and very much old New York feeling. The women who work there wear what looks like a 1983 uniform in teal and pink colors, and the people who are eating at the bar have the aura of being regular customers. Also, look how cute my sisters are. What will I do without them (reasonably) near me? :( 

 So this was the skyline of Manhattan that morning. It was awesome.

 After the harbor visit we did some shopping and stopped by Toby's Estate (or, as I remembered the title being, Jacob's Cavern). Great drinks! Great interior! Love this place and will definitely be back again. 

 After this we did some more shopping, got our nails done, and saw the scary movie Anabelle which was pretty horrible all around. 

 After the movie got out we walked a long way for some garlic knots before getting some take out and retiring to Mary's apartment for some skype and k-dramas. 

 We also passed the point of an actual alien abduction. I mean what is this? What's happening here? The drink and the snickers bar package? And a set of shoes? This was the real mystery of the evening.

Then I got really sad as I started thinking about the future and leaving everyone and tbh guys it was really sad. 

 The next day we rushed over to the bus because we were late and I had to hurry and get on but then I was so sad and I lost my sandals on the bus as I ran out to say bye to Mary one more time. Let's be real this was a true movie/ tv moment because I was crying so hard in my socks on the sidewalk of New York as the Bolt Bus people were (I'm sure) confused/ surprised/ annoyed with this sudden onslaught of emotion. But guys I'm really bad at saying goodbye?

Logically I know I don't live near my siblings. I know if I were getting a job in the United States I still wouldn't see them that often. But there is something about the distance of this move, the strong feelings of fear and the unknown I have associated with it, that makes it more difficult. There were a lot of things I was sad about and crying to Mary about, but I think the bulk of it was my fear for her and her future and happiness, my fear of the unknown (when will I see her again? will I be ok? selfish thoughts), and sadness because of a parting. She and I are both going through strange and difficult life transitions. My fear for my future is also linked with my fear for her future. Will we be ok? Will we get through this? Anyway, I walked back onto the bus with a blotchy face and a couple of little "aww" remarks and took the eternal bus ride with Jordan back to DC where we drowned our sorrows in Shake Shake and Rich Kids of Beverly Hills.